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Goodbye Stranger

by Alanna Boudreau

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1.
My own heart let me more have pity on; let Me live to my sad self hereafter kind, Charitable; not live this tormented mind With this tormented mind tormenting yet. I cast for comfort I can no more get By groping round my comfortless, than blind Eyes in their dark can day or thirst can find Thirst's all-in-all in all a world of wet. Soul, self; come, poor Jackself, I do advise You, jaded, let be; call off thoughts awhile Elsewhere; leave comfort root-room; let joy size At God knows when to God knows what; whose smile 's not wrung, see you; unforeseen times rather — as skies Betweenpie mountains — lights a lovely mile.
2.
I know some tricks, he's good at trade Isn't it strange how pedantic what we call romantic? I make him feel strong, he makes me feel seen What do we owe to the ether? What are we but creatures? He thinks I'm a fraud, suspects I'm a cheat He wants me guilty: but he wants me! And then you starts to haunt me. I don't know how to love a man a little. I don't know how to make my feelings small. If I loved him once, that love remains a riddle Because I don't know how to love a man a little. I thought he was dead, under the door And I believed in the Other; the Squandering Lover I crouched on the floor, beside the bed And for the first time, I trusted It was the last day I lusted... But he was alive: how I wished he were dead! Then he'd be safe from my crushing, dispirited touching. I don't know how to love a man a little. I don't know how to make my feelings small. If I loved him once, that love remains a riddle Because I don't know how to love a man a little. I wanted them all, I wanted them each Every man’s eye upon me - then you pressed in on me. If you are love, if you are good, teach me to behave as I should, Hang me to bleed on the dry wood. What shall I say? What can I do? All that I am is known by You Grant him my peace, please, would You. Bridge: I cannot love just a vapor. You do not love only saints. x2
3.
(By Alanna Boudreau, Scott Mulvahill, and Gabi Wilson) We like Daniel in the den Surrounded by these hungry lions Looking in the jaws of the death We reach for saving hands No help will come from man The Lord is coming Well the Red Sea closin in There's no safety in their mighty horses Can you feel the driving wind Behold the crashing waves The Savior’s on his way Coming coming hurry hurry Bring us to the promised land Glory Glory, we reach for saving hands No help will come from man The Lord is coming All you people of the land Bound beneath the weight of all your sorrow Turn around while you still can There's no guarantee you'll see tomorrow The doors are open wide Will you choose death or life
4.
His hands lay like two tired lovers in his lap. Twisting, turning, exchanging warmth instead of words. His lips were blistered, I saw blood blossom where they cracked A fleeting moment, the scent of lilacs on the wind. I made some coffee, felt his eyes upon my jaw We made some small-talk, he slowly opened on some hinge No hint of conquest, no urge to pilfer from the well Just souls outpouring, with all the ease of skippin’ stones. Goodbye, stranger, goodbye stranger I wish you all the best Down the highway, long the biway Be sure, boy, get some rest. I ain’t easy, but I ain’t cold. Come back this way when you’re feelin’ low. A lonely hunter finds no great valour in the kill In felling beauty, when human love is not at stake. His daddy left them, to “fuck around and drink in peace.” “We’ve turned out all right,” he said, and slowly closed upon some hinge. BR: I ain’t easy. But I ain’t cold. So come back my way when you’re feelin’ low. I ain’t easy. But I ain’t cold. Come back my way, come back home. Goodbye, stranger.
5.
I don’t know if there is sunshine enough To take care of the love that’s growin’ inside of me I don’t know if there’s a dam big enough To prevent this fine flood from spillin’ right into the sea And sometimes I wonder if you saw inside of me If you would pack up your bags, Pack up all of your bags and leave. But you say “Love don’t make moves. Love don’t make moves. Love don’t make moves like that.” The rings around Saturn, they move in a pattern that’s comic and cosmic: behold, nebulous harmony. If rocks on a circuit can plot out their purpose Why am I still pondering the purpose of gravity? Sometimes I wonder If you saw inside of me If you would call up your mama, And your friends, to report a tragedy But you say “Love don’t make moves. Love don’t make moves. Love don’t make moves like that.” No no no no x2 BR: Thank you for kissin oh so slow. Thank you for teachin me so tender. Thank you for bringin’ me back home. You are the man who makes me better.
6.
Dear Alcohol 03:58
Dear alcohol, you’ve turned my soul a shade of gray In confession father gently says I should write a letter to what makes me angry. So dear alcohol, here’s my penance in epistle form. Here’s my prayer departing from the norm. You can go to hell: I guess I’m getting somewhere. Dear alcohol, you taught me how to camouflage. How to turn my eyes and how to dodge How to make believe things never even happened Dear alcohol, you made yourself a nightly guest Poisoned countless words with scorn unchecked Words you can’t recall, words I can’t rinse off of me. Dear alcohol, you thrive on wounded mem’ries old. Teach a child conflict means control. Plant a seed of fear and water it with anger. Dear alcohol, you thought you had me in your arms. thought you’d wooed me with resentment’s charms. But I know you’re only as strong as I make you. Dear alcohol, you’ll never know a mother’s heart. Never change a father’s chosen part. You’ll never know a brother, sister, lover. And I pity you. I pity you, you bastard leech. I pity you. Dear alcohol, I pity you.
7.
My heart is a circus, my heart is ravenous and wild I know I have hurt us, but darling, becoming takes awhile I didn’t ask for the painful memories of my past I don’t know why, it’s the damn darkest ones that last Just stand beside me in the park, hold my hand as it gets dark And stay awhile, just stay. Come and wander through these woods, my heart is broken but it’s good And stay awhile, just stay. If I was a painting of a girl in filament of gold A motionless maiden, demure, worshipful and cold I think you’d miss me, and the red raw rolling of my mind You might feel safer, but I know you’d feel less than alive. Most men have a weakness for a wide-eyed Susan with a smile And most girls share their secrets so to feel desired for a while I will not be the wings to your fantasy flight I will resist you, and the tension with jar you back to life. (stay, stay. Just stay, stay. Just stay. Just stay.)
8.
[warm breast, bright wings. Holy ghost, brooding over everything] x3 The world is charged with the grandeur of God. It will flame out, like shining from shook foil; It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod? Generations have trod, have trod, have trod; And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil; And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod. And for all this, nature is never spent; There lives the dearest freshness deep down things; And though the last lights off the black West went Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs — Because the Holy Ghost over the bent World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.
9.
Gigue 02:16
Dust to dust, portrait or bust We find all kinds of desperate ways To capture youth with paint or clay While breath by breath we fade away Sister time she bends the spine With gentle hands, and gentle smile She turns the dial, while all the while She eyes a plot and sorts a pile. Mis-en-scene, push play, pretend Repent, resent, sweet opulence The she-wolf brings such heaviness And pants with labored, savage breath I woke up somewhere in-between Within a wood more black than green Such wails and sighs from yonder trees Had they been human once, like me? And here a sign, etched cold and clear “Abandon hope, who enter here” The Primal Love that casts out fear Has ways so strange, nay, so severe! O, lasso! O, lasso! Shadowlands, broad Sculptor hands Minerva breathes, and losing Me You tempt the deep, the ruse called sleep And pass the Muses on the sea. The souls of those who weakly praised Who never damned nor banner raised The ones who never claimed a side Are tossed within their spineless tide Their dumbness on the part of love Has sewn their mouths with wire shut The ones who envy others joys Who sowed discord with word and loins O, lasso! O, lasso!
10.
Sometimes when I am faced With the apparent emptiness of you: I fear I will lose my nerve. I fear I will lose my nerve. Michael, he loves you, can’t you tell? But he’s been cryin’, at the bottom of an echoing well. Michael, he rides the southbound train He’s reading Hitchens, now, and he’s burnin’ up with rage. And he fears he will lose his nerve. He fears he will lose his nerve. Agnes, she rings the Vespers bell. She wears a white veil, long - skin perfect as a shell. Agnes, she loved an honest man She lives in silence, now: folded lily, folded hands. She fears she will lose her nerve. She fears she will lose her nerve. How nice, how profound of me To think such probing thoughts; And not a callous on my knee. All hail mediocrity. Sweet, clement impartiality. Dear God: grant me honesty.

credits

released May 12, 2018

All songs by Alanna Boudreau except "The Lord is Coming," by Alanna Boudreau, Scott Mulvahill, and Gabi Wilson.
Poor Jackself & Warm Breast Bright Wings written by Gerard Manley Hopkins
Produced by Daniel Levi Goans.
Engineered by Jeff Crawford at Arbor Ridge Studios in Chapel Hill, NC, Fidelitorium in Kernersville, NC and White Star Sound in Louisa, VA.
Mixed and mastered by Chris Boerner at the Kitchen in Carrboro, NC.
Painting by Zoe Schwartz.

Alanna Boudreau: vocals, guitars, arranging
Chris Boerner: guitars
Scott Mulvahill: upright and electric bass
Dan Faust: drums, percussion
Jeff Crawford: keyboards, sound design, arranging, vocals
Daniel Goans: keyboards, sound design, arranging, vocals
Lauren Plank Goans: vocals
Shelby Sender: piano on "Gigue"
Matt Douglas: woodwinds
Andy Baxter: vocals on "The Lord is Coming"
Elise Blake: violin
Megan Gray: viola
Kelley Mikkelsen: cello
Ayn Balija: viola
Christi Salisbury: violin

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Alanna Boudreau Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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